'Ask your dad for permission': Singaporean in their 30s sparks online discussion on strict parents

SINGAPORE: A post on r/askSingapore has touched a nerve with anyone who has ever had to decide between filial piety and their own sanity.

The original poster, who was in their 30s, told their mother they were planning to leave a toxic job and switch fields. Their mother’s response: they would need to ask their father for permission before quitting.

They did what they described as “the pro-Asian kid move”, which was to quit the job and inform their parents much later. Their parents called it disrespect.

The original poster pointed out the irony that their parents had done whatever they wanted when they were young. They also mentioned ongoing pressure on their girlfriend to prove herself to the family’s satisfaction.

After discussing the situation with close friends, they found the dynamic was not unusual; parents continuing to dictate the choices of adult children, even married ones, is apparently common enough in Singapore to not raise eyebrows.

“Is it common for parents here to be controlling of their adult children?” they asked.

What Reddit said

The thread confirmed the experience while offering some structural context for why it persists.

“Common, but definitely not normal,” one commenter wrote. “A lot of the time this is because you’re still living at home, [so] they still see you as a child. Asian parenting in particular is very focused on filial piety. A lot of parents have an ‘I eat more salt than you eat rice’ mindset.”

Another was more direct about where the dynamic originates: “A lot of it is the children allowing it, tbh. Just do whatever you want, let them be mad until they get used to the idea.”

One commenter suggested a more charitable interpretation: “Maybe it’s because you still live with them and they think you’re going to use their money. Not saying that you are, but there are still babies in their 30s and 40s living off their parents and partners.”

One offered the same coping strategy the original poster had independently concluded: “Learnt early to just do it and not share, or share much later. Sometimes you see this in your bosses as well.”