‘She doesn’t want me to solve the problem’: Singapore dad asks how to help burnt-out SAHM wife
Marina Bay, Singapore
SINGAPORE: A father took to social media to share that he is struggling to figure out how to help his burnt-out wife, who regularly vents about the demands of motherhood but rejects his suggestions for making life a little easier.
In a post on Reddit’s r/askSingapore forum on Wednesday (Oct 7), the man explained that his wife is a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) to their 8-month-old baby and 2-year-old toddler, who attends full-day school. The family also employs a domestic helper to handle household chores.
While everything may look fine on the surface, he said the reality is very different.
Their younger child's routine has shifted, meaning the baby now stays awake longer and sleeps less, while the toddler has become difficult—constantly “saying no and throwing tantrums.”
The man admitted that his job makes it hard for him to pitch in.
“I work Monday to Fridays. I leave the house at 7 am and reach home around 7 pm,” he wrote, adding that he can only help with the children on weekends, aside from feeding milk and changing diapers at night. “On some unfortunate months, I have to go overseas for 1 day and stay overnight to return in the evening.”
His wife, meanwhile, spends much of the day looking after the children. The helper mainly steps in when she needs a quick break to eat or use the toilet. Any proper time to herself tends to arrive only after 8:30 pm, if the children settle early, or closer to 9:30 pm on other nights.
“She’s burnt out but doesn’t want to send the second child to infant care because of the stories of how bad infant care can be, leaving the babies to cry, etc.”
She is also unwilling to let the helper take on too much of the baby's care or playtime. This stems from a bad experience with their first helper, when their child grew so attached to her that he refused to let his wife play with him or bathe him.
“I am concerned about her burnt out-ness. To be honest and realistic, it will affect me eventually, as it did before. Asking me to take half-day leaves, come home early, take cab to work and take cab home, etc.”
According to the man, his wife keeps voicing her frustrations and problems but rejects any solutions.
“Basically she has no solution to the problem; I keep bringing up sending to infant care as a solution to the problem. She doesn't want me to solve the problem and doesn't want this solution,” he said.
“Uh, seems like she just wants me to listen to her whine about her problems and keep quiet. Like really just listen. She says I am an a**hole who only wants to focus on solving the problem and doesn't want to listen to her.”
Seeking a way forward, he closed his post with a plea: “I am sure there has got to be a father or two out there in Singapore who was in the same situation as me. Any advice?”
‘They actually don't want you to solve it’
In the Reddit thread, several commenters suggested that the father focus less on finding an immediate solution and more on making his wife feel supported, with some sharing small gestures they had used to help their own partners cope.
One father recalled how he supported his wife when she took a year of sabbatical leave to care for their second child.
“Had this issue when my wife took sabbatical leave for a year to care for our 2nd kid. To help with the burnout I get her small surprises every now and then. Some flowers, a pendant, a ring, etc, etc. Some exercise equipment. Whatever that she can use while the kid's stuck to her. Even massagers.”
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Another shared what he did for his partner in the old days. “During my time, GrabFood wasn't a thing, so I'd send her jokes and interesting reads from time to time while I was at work.”
“I'd order desserts and snacks (that my wife liked) from a stall near my place and paid the stall aunty to send them up to my door. I'd send her a message, saying ‘Have some sweet happiness while waiting, I'll be home soon.’ Or something similar.”
A third said that the husband should just let her rant about her problems, rather than trying to constantly solve them. “When women tell you their problems, they actually don't want you to solve it, but rather to listen and actually to agree. I don’t know how to help you, but this is what it is.”
A fourth echoed this view, saying, “Sometimes the wife only wants to vent and have someone to listen to, not looking for solutions.”
“And if she has no me-time, you could take the kids out on the weekends to the beach, for example. 3-4 hours for her to decompress and relax. There’s no perfect solution; just need to keep trying. Wishing both of you all the best.”/TISG