‘Why can’t they stop dropping by unannounced?’ Singaporean says parents refuse to respect his boundaries

SINGAPORE: One Singaporean man says his parents refuse to let go of their control over him, even though he is married and has his own home, with their alleged behaviour ranging from unannounced visits to telling him what food to eat and how to renovate his house.

Distraught that repeated attempts to get them to respect his boundaries have not worked, the man said he has reached a point where he no longer knows what else he can do to make them understand that he is capable of making his own decisions.

He shared his frustrations on Reddit’s r/askSingapore on Saturday (Sep 26), asking fellow Singaporeans whether such behaviour is common among parents and how they would deal with it.

According to the man, his parents sometimes tell him only the night before that they intend to visit, and on some occasions, they allegedly show up even after he has explicitly told them not to.

“They come whenever they want, and they don’t get it when I say ‘no.’ One time, I let them stand outside and not answer the door because I don’t want them to think if they bring a gift, they can come anytime they want. The thing is, I still don’t understand why they can’t stop dropping by unannounced.”

The man also recalled an incident during Chinese New Year when he and his spouse visited his parents, only for his mother to allegedly start instructing him on what he should eat.

His mother allegedly told him, “Don’t eat the rice first, eat this veg first, don’t drink your drink, drink this soup, etc.,” before also scolding him over the food he was putting into his mouth.

“THIS WAS DAMN ANNOYING. I’m a full-grown adult. My spouse was there. I don’t even know what the purpose is of controlling how I eat, but she keeps acting like she knows best and talking down towards me.”

When he renovated his own home, his parents scolded him, said “he doesn't know anything,” and tried to choose the placement of lights and fans themselves. They criticised everything he wanted to do. Fed up, he told the contractor to lock the gate and keep everyone out except the workers, himself, and his spouse.

“I’ve tried talking nicely to my parents to respect my boundaries. They keep ignoring me and saying I’m ‘too sensitive’ and continue to keep doing these kinds of weird things that disrespect my freedom to make my own choices.”

He also mentioned that his parents frequently get into conflicts with his siblings. When he was still living with them, he would often act as the mediator whenever their arguments escalated.

Even after moving out and starting his own life, he said his parents continue to approach him to “mediate” their disputes.

Tired of being treated like a child, he asked fellow Reddit users how he could get his parents to finally respect his independence.

‘Fighting fire with fire is the only solution’

Many commenters encouraged the man to establish firmer boundaries rather than continuing to explain himself to his parents.

One Reddit user advised him to create both physical and communication boundaries. “Don't allow them into your house. Create the physical boundary, and set a hard limit on communication (time, topic, etc.). Reinforce. Don't pick up calls during work hours, don't respond to nonsense, etc.”

Another suggested giving his parents an ultimatum. “Tell them that they have to respect your choices or they won’t get to see you anymore. It works for my parents, who are exactly like yours.”

A third said, “This is definitely not common. It could be that you are sensitive, and they are disrespectful. Move and don't tell them your new address. Either meet in public or at their place.”

A fourth added, “Unfortunately, I think this is one of the cases whereby fighting fire with fire is just about the only solution. It definitely won't feel very good to do so, but if it's what it takes to get your parents to respect your boundaries for once, it has to be done.”

A few others, however, recommended that he first try having a more open conversation with his parents and explain how their behaviour makes him feel.

One told him, “I think it's just the way our parents express love, but they are not aware of the current society's boundaries required. I think you should bring your parents out slowly, tell them, and share with them what you feel.” 

“Venting anger is not right for people who gave you life. Their ultimate goal is to show their love and concern, but sometimes the way they express those is not the way young people receive it nowadays.”/TISG

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