‘Is it a favour?’: Husband upset wife sees trip for grandma-in-law’s 95th birthday as a hassle

SINGAPORE: A 27-year-old man took to Reddit to ask for opinions after his wife described attending his grandmother's upcoming birthday celebration in Malaysia as a “favour” and a “hassle.”

In a post on Reddit’s r/asksg forum, the man explained that his grandmother had migrated to Singapore alone when she was young, leaving most of her family behind in Malaysia. Now turning 95, she hopes to celebrate the milestone with relatives in her hometown.

The trip would involve about a 1-hour travel over the weekend, with no leave required, and expenses covered by the family.

While he said no one is being forced to go, he felt they should attend out of respect given his grandmother's age.

When he asked his wife to join him, however, she saw things differently.

“She feels differently, as overseas travel is a hassle for her and thinks that attending is a favour she is doing for me. What do you all think? Is attending the birthday of grandmother-in-law considered a favour?”

‘Your grandma isn’t her grandma’

The post certainly piqued the interest of Singaporean Redditors, with many chiming in to share their two cents about the wife’s stance.

Some expressed their dislike of the wife’s attitude towards the whole thing, especially since she knew how special the event was.

One thought she was being “calculative,” writing: “Must be exhausting married to a partner being this calculative over the small things…”

Another commented, “I just think this is one of those give-and-take with in-laws situation. If I’m very honest, if your wife cannot even do this and says it is a favour (unless she didn’t specifically put it like that), then I think she’s not thinking from your perspective.” 

“In a marriage, it is a teamwork. She can whine and all, which is normal with in-laws, but to put it this way, I think it makes the marriage feel less of a teamwork.”

A third said she would have gone without question if she were in the wife’s shoes. 

“If my husband told me about this, I’d have gone. Without second thoughts. Grandma is 95, and this is husband’s grandma; what else is there to think about? Esp when it’s nearby and also no leave needed.”

Others, however, defended the wife, saying the husband must not force her to attend family events if she does not wish to.

One told him, “Your grandma isn’t her grandma, and she doesn’t have the same bond as you do. I’d go far, far out of my way for my grandma but I wouldn’t expect my partner to do so.”

Another wondered whether the wife might be introverted, hence her aversion to such social events.

“Technically, attending family events like this is a form of doing each other a 'favour' or 'giving face' to one another. Could it be that she’s an introvert and these events take a lot of social energy, especially in a place she probably isn't familiar with?”

A third also suggested that perhaps the wife merely wanted to be appreciated for attending her grandmother-in-law’s birthday party.

“I guess she wanted you to show some appreciation for her effort. Not saying it is wrong of you to expect her to show her face, but it also doesn’t hurt to thank her for the time/hassle. Tell her you appreciate her showing she’s part of the family by her actions, and it means a lot to you. This shows you are not taking her attendance for granted.”/TISG

Read also: ‘Mind reading expectation is the worst’: Singapore man urged to rethink 2-month relationship